Hope
by lynne z
Summary: When Bobby doesn't answer her calls, alex goes to confront him. Strong rating. Please review.


**Disclaimer: Don't own them. Just taking them out for a Sunday drive. **

**A/N: This is just a one shot I thought of after hearing some spoilers for upcoming episodes and a discussion I had about all the angst going on with Goren. Keep in mind I was in a pretty angsty mood myself when I wrote this.**

Hope

He hadn't been answering her phone calls and he wouldn't return the messages that she left him. Bobby had been on suspension for nearly three weeks and Alex had not seen him since he left the meeting with the chief of detectives.

She had even tried going by his apartment a couple of times, but he either wasn't home or was ignoring her knocks.

Now, after two weeks and some days with no word from him, Alex sat in her car across from his apartment building. She debated whether or not to go in and try again or to leave him to wallow.

"God damn it, Bobby," Alex huffed as she opened the car door.

She slammed the door shut and then trotted across the street to his building. She quickly made her way up the stairs to his floor and then hovered in front of the wooden barrier that was his door.

_Please open the door_, she silently prayed and then let her fist harshly fall against the door, but there was no answer.

"Bobby! I know your home…I can see the light under the door. Let me in or I'm going to stand out here and start waking up your neighbors!"

She stared into the dark wood finish listening to the silence and was about ready to bang on the door again when she finally heard his feet shuffling to the door.

He appeared in the small crack he opened and stared down at her. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy with emotion, while his posture was slumped and his face scruffy with thick stubble.

"What are you doing here, Eames?"

She huffed with frustration and chewed lightly on her bottom lip.

"Why won't you answer my calls?" Alex asked.

Bobby stared down at her. He didn't know how to answer her because there were so many reasons. He didn't want to do any more damage to her career or pull her any further into his mess than he already had.

He had kept her at a distance for a reason, but since his mother's funeral he had been opening himself to her in a way he never had before. All that seemed to do though was to pull her deeper into trouble with him and make things even more muddled between them.

His brother's innuendos weren't helping matters either. It seemed in the days he had been suspended that every time he thought of her, he also thought of Frank's words: _Just take Eames to a motel and get it out of your system_.

She was better than that and she deserved more.

"Go home, Eames," he said.

"No," she said placing her palm on the door before he could even attempt to close it in her face.

"Why?"

"Because…you're my partner…"

"Right…just your partner…I'm not your family…you don't have to—"

"Growing up in my house your partner was your family," Alex said, growing more irritated. "You need someone…you can't deal with all of this on your own…now open the God damn door."

He rolled his eyes and sighed. The part of him that respected her too much to ignore her forced him to step away from the door and venture back into his kitchen.

Alex pushed the door open enough to enter and then closed and locked it behind her.

She glanced over the cluttered kitchen with empty bottles and take out boxes. Her eyes settle on his back as he rummaged through his refrigerator.

"You want a beer?" he asked.

"No, and I don't think you should have any either," she said.

He stood straight and planted his hands on the back of one of the kitchen chairs, his eyes studying her. She was still, angry, and he thought he saw the faintest hint of pity in her eye, which made him want to throw her out.

"Well," Bobby said with a shrug. "You got in…now what?"

She tentatively walked to the table and glanced around again at the mess.

"Did you fire your cleaning lady?" Alex tried to tease.

"Something like that," he shrugged, not at all amused.

She sighed and grasped a chair across from him, needing an anchor since her usual one was an emotional train wreck at the moment. She didn't know when he had become that to her, but his absence had made her acutely aware of the fact that he was, whether she wanted him to be or not.

"How are your sessions with the shrink?" she asked.

He shuffled his feet and stared down at the grainy table top.

"O-okay, I guess," he said. "And I-I am not crazy."

"I know you're not crazy, Bobby," Alex said. "What else have you been doing?"

"Uh…trying to get a lead on Donny…doing some side work…"

"What kind of side work?"

He didn't want to tell her that he was working as a bouncer at a strip club. She expected more from him and he knew it.

"Does it matter?"

"I guess not," Alex said. "Have you gotten anything on Donny?"

Bobby shook his head.

Alex sighed.

"Come on, Bobby, talk to me. Tell me what I can do to help," Alex said. "If he's on the street I may know people in Vice who might be able to track him down…or—"

"I don't want to involve you—"

"But I am involved," she said. "I've been involved since Frank stopped me on the street…"

"I never should have asked you for help."

"You would have gotten it anyway…" Alex said and then watched him avoiding her eyes, which only made her irritation grow. "So, what you're just going to throw it all away? Do you even care about your job, anymore? Are you even planning on coming back?"

"I-it might be better if I didn't…"

"Oh that's bullshit."

"The chief probably disagrees with you…"

"Since when do you care what they think about you?"

_Since I realized it was affecting you too_, he thought.

"Eames, please, just go home."

She clenched her jaw and pushed herself off the chair to round the table to his side.

"I'm not leaving, you selfish son of a bitch," she practically growled and shoved her hand into his shoulder.

He stumbled back a few inches, surprised by the action and the strength behind it.

"Eames—"

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" she demanded, shoving several more times at his chest. "Why did you get yourself into that situation?"

Her blows didn't really hurt, but the crack that was becoming more and more evident in her voice did.

"Eames!" he said, grabbing her wrists in his hands and then fisting them behind her back.

They stared at each other, letting out harsh, frustrated breaths and they both knew something was about to change.

He studied every inch of her steely face, his eyes lingering over her thin pressed lips while he debated his next move. He wanted to know what they would feel like against his and whether or not her skin would taste as good as it smelled.

_Fuck it._

His lips crashed into hers and to his disbelief she responded, twisting her arms free from his fists and winding her arms around his neck.

He lifted her and dragged her toward his bedroom, all the while his tongue traced and teased hers.

After they fell backwards into his bed, Alex pushed on his shoulders and then pulled the white T-shirt he wore over his head. Together they wormed her arms out of her jacket and tossed it to the floor.

He latched his mouth back to hers and blindly went to work on the buttons of her shirt. Beneath his fingertips, he felt the laciness of her bra and then the creamy skin of her stomach.

His hand found the top of her jeans, quickly undoing them, and then traveled inside to explore her through the small cotton barrier.

She groaned, arching into his hand, and sucked harder on his bottom lip.

He sat up on his knees and dragged her jeans and underwear down her legs, tossing off her shoes before throwing them to the floor.

They both worked his sweat pants down his hips, but didn't bother pushing them all the way off.

She smoothed her hands down his scratchy face as he settled between her thighs and then worked himself slowly inside of her.

"Oh, God," Bobby shuddered against her temple once he was fully and deeply buried in her.

She tightened her arms around him in reply while little whimpers and moans slipped out of her mouth.

He moved in and out of her and loved the feel of lace from her bra against his skin, but all the while he heard a voice in the back of his mind whisper: _this will ruin it all. This will only solidify how low you've really sunk and when she shuts the door to leave, she will be out of your life. _

He heard her cry his name and then her heavy, but satisfied breaths as he sought out his own release. He strained, spilling all of his anger and regret into her, and by some grace of God, she seemed capable of carrying all of it in her deceptively small body.

He breathed into her neck and rested against her, vaguely registering the feel of her fingers combing through his hair.

He wanted to tell her how much he needed her, how much he loved her, and how sorry he was for everything; for the Gages, for pushing her away, for any taint he may have put on her career, but the words stayed tucked behind his teeth.

Bobby easily wormed out of her arms and body. He sat up on the edge of the bed, awkwardly pulling his sweat pants back up around his hips.

Alex let out a long breath, fighting not to cry, and watched his tensed back. She wanted to hold him and tell him that everything would work out, that together they would figure out a way.

She rose to her knees and pulled the edges of her shirt back together, slipping only a couple buttons closed before inching closer to him.

"Bobby…"

"You should just go Eames…nothing can come from this and you know it…"

"No, I don't know that."

"Please," he whispered, not really sure what he was actually asking of her.

"So is this what you're life's going to be like? Just going to wallow in your own self pity and find comfort in whatever woman shows up on your doorstep? Should I expect a call in a couple months if you can't find anyone else to fuck? I deserve more than that from you…"

"I know," he said, his voice barely audible. "I can't drag you down anymore…just go…request a new partner—"

"I don't want a new partner," Alex said and placed her hand on either of his shoulders. "I don't care about the Brass or the politics or the ass kissing. Maybe I did when I was younger, but now I just want to do the job, like you. You've made me a better a cop and I think I made you a better one too."

He scrubbed his hand over his face and felt tears in he corners of his eyes. He didn't understand why she wouldn't just leave, why she even wanted to stay. As much as he wished that he had more to offer her, he was certain that he didn't.

"What do you expect from me, Eames?"

_You_, she wanted to say.

Her arms ventured a little further and loosely hugged his neck, resting her chin on his shoulder.

"I was so scared…so scared…when your call was late. I had no idea what to do, but that's when I knew…" her voice trailed and she rubbed her nose against his skin.

"Knew what?"

"The night Joe died," she said, ignoring his question. "The whole night I knew something was wrong…I could feel it in my gut and when the phone rang and I heard Kevin's voice I felt like all my organs had jumped into my throat. I couldn't think, couldn't breathe. And it was the same feeling when you didn't call. I can't lose someone like that again…I was so scared that you were dead…"

"But I wasn't, Eames…I'm fine…"

"You're not fine, but I want to help you get back to where you can be. I don't want to look back and regret never taking the chance to see if this would be worth it."

"If what's worth it?" he asked, twisting his neck so that they were nearly nose to nose.

"You and me…like this."

"This can only end—"

"How do you know?"

Here he was with a woman he respected, trusted, and adored, sitting half naked in his bed and telling him she wanted him not only in her professional life, but in her personal one and all he could think about was how she deserved better. She had unknowingly become the one stable figure in his life, but he never thought it was a role he had a right to ask her to play.

"Please don't make me leave," Alex said, letting her forehead fall against his.

She felt his breath on her lips as he sighed and then felt him nod.

Bobby twisted at the waist, while raising his hands to cup her face, and then brushed his lips to hers.

He moved his sweat pants off his hips and kicked them off before pressing her back down on the bed. He removed her shirt and bra while she let him get lost again inside her, but this time after they were both breathless and content, he laid down beside her and hugged her close to his side.

"Eames?"

She let out a soft snort at the fact that he was still calling her Eames and then said, "Yeah?"

"Why…wha…what were you expecting…wh-when you came here tonight?"

"I wasn't expecting anything. I just was worried about you…I still am…and…" her voice trailed as she studied her fingers twisting in and out of the hair sprinkling his chest. "…and I missed you."

She felt him shift slightly and she knew it surprised him.

"Ar-are you sure…about this?"

"Yes."

"Cause, I mean, I…y-you know…I'm a mess…and I can't…I don't know—"

He went silent as she propped her head up in her palm to see his face.

"Bobby, if this isn't what you want or what you need tell me now. I can forgive you for that and we can find a way to move on," she said, proud of the evenness she was able to maintain in her tone. "But if you are just going along with me to appease me or for your own comfort and then three, six, or however many months down the line turn around and say this was all a mistake…that I can't forgive."

He looked down at her hand that rested against his sternum and then raised his fingers to toy with hers, needing something to ease his nerves as he mustered his response.

"I-I do want you…I think I've wanted you for a long time, I just, I never thought…or I tried not to think about it. The last year or two it's been harder to do that," he said and could feel her eyes studying his face while he continued to stare at their hands. "I-I'm sorry I scared you…I-I felt the same when…"

She laid her head back down on his shoulder, not wanting him to see the discomfort in her face at where this was heading, but also didn't want him to stop since he was actually opening a door.

"When I was taken," she finished for him and hoped it was enough of a signal for him to go on.

"Yeah…I-I thought you were dead. I mean everything I knew said you had to be…an-and I was barely hanging on. All I could do was focus on working the case…trying to find your body, but I knew the moment I stopped…"

She felt his body shudder as he let out a harsh breath and then with a deep breath of her own, she propped herself back up. Two sets of watery eyes stared into the other.

"After that…" he said. "A part of me didn't want to fight it anymore…I-I just wanted to be with you…however I could. I want this, but there's so much that you don't know—"

"You can tell me."

"I don't know how," he said and then brushed her hair behind her ear. "Y-you deserve better…"

"Why don't you let me decide what I deserve," Alex said. "I know you, Bobby, and I know the person who I admire and…and love is still in there somewhere."

"What if he doesn't exist anymore? What if he was never there to begin with?"

"That's a lie you've been letting yourself believe…I don't know who put it there, but it is a lie," Alex said. "I know there are things you aren't telling me and…and I know there's more going on than just you dealing with losing your mom. I just…I want you to trust me."

"I do trust you…I don't…I don't think I've really trusted anyone before you."

"Then trust that I can help you handle whatever is going on with you. It's okay to give some of the burden to someone else…"

Bobby licked his lips and again stared down as his finger massaging and tracing her hand.

"Ev…Every time I do that…the other person just gets hurt. An-and what happens if you can't fix me, if I'm nev—"

"I don't want to fix you…I want to help you," Alex said. "I do love you…I don't know when it exactly happened, but I know I'm willing to put in the work, but if you're not willing to deal with everything then you were right I should just go."

He looked up her, memorizing the hazel and brown flecks in her eyes and the tears forming that she didn't really want him to see.

He could feel his resolve softening. There was no use in pretending any longer that he didn't belonged to her completely and that no matter what happened in the next few minutes he would always belong to her.

He raised his hands and combed them through her hair so he could fully see all the small, delicate features of her face that didn't seem as hard as they normally did and then he realized how scared she was; how terrified she was of what would happen if he did let her go.

"Y-you realize this is the worst time…way to start a relationship," he said softly.

"Since when do you ever do things the easy way?" Alex asked and watched a brief smile tug at one corner of his mouth. "Well, we can always back track…"

"Back track?"

Alex nodded in the loose confines of his palms.

He saw certainty begin to creep into her eyes and he was surprised by how much that reassured him and how safe it made him feel.

"I'm not saying that we pretend tonight didn't happen…I'm just saying we slow down. Date, talk, spend time together whenever or however we can, help each other deal with everything, and then when we're ready, more solid…we can revisit the physical part."

"And what about work?"

"We work…we catch bad guys and when issues come up we'll deal with them."

He slowly nodded and then pulled her lips down to brush against his.

"I've been falling in love with you for years, you know," he said.

"Yeah, me too."

"I-I'll try. I want to try."

Alex smiled and then firmly kissed him again.

She settled her head back on his shoulder and he linked his arms around her.

They both dosed in and out of sleep, but neither completely succumbed because they new the faster morning came the quicker the hard work would start. They held on to each other until the sun broke through his curtains and Alex planted a string of light kisses on his chest, before lifting herself from the bed.

He watched her dress and creamy skin was replaced with rough denim and stretchy cotton. He pulled on his sweat pants and then followed her as she walked back to his front door.

"Call me…later," Alex said as she hovered near the still closed door.

"I will. I promise."

She knew he meant it and she felt more at ease about leaving. A part of her wanted to stay, but she knew slowing down was the only way to not destroy this before it even started.

Bobby raised his hand to cup her neck and dropped a kiss on her forehead.

He watched her twist the knob, open the door, and step out in the hallway.

She took short steps down the hall and could feel him watching her.

"Eames?"

She swung around and then said, "Yeah, Bobby?"

"W-would you want to meet for brunch later? At-at that diner near your house you like?"

Alex smiled and nodded.

"Around eleven?" she asked.

"Eleven," he nodded.

She swiveled back on her heel and turned the corner, still smiling and feeling hopeful.

End.


End file.
